Is MY self really worth it?

I have been thinking about this blog post for a long time. Trying to figure out a way to share my thoughts and feelings on this subject without sounding trite. I have been on a journey toward a healthier me. A “me” who not only is physically healthy but emotionally and spiritually healthy as well.
I have been thin, fat, well rounded, skinny and curvaceous throughout my life. My bathroom scale is my best friend and worst enemy. I have sometimes weighed myself more than three times a day; each time determined what mood I would be in. The number dictating my attitude, I have often wondered why I struggled when others didn’t. I think about food every minute of every day. I think about how I look and what I weigh even more than that. In writing this post I want to be honest about my journey to a “healthy me” however, I am afraid of what you will think of me.
I spent my young life trying to find someone who would love me at any size. But the truth was I did not love myself. I knew that skinny did not equal happy. When I was thinnest I was so depressed I needed medication. I knew my outward appearance could not fulfill me I just didn’t know where else to look.
I have always been obsessive in my pursuits. If I make muffins, I make 300 muffins in a weekend. If I take up tennis I play every day for a month. This kind of frenzy cannot be kept up. If I find a new diet I am dedicated to it for a short time till I lose steam and fall back into my old routine.
I must admit I have felt empty a lot. It is difficult to be honest about this because I am a very guarded person. Few people know me well, and those who do know that “inside” me is very different from “outside” me.
I know it is not one thing that has caused me to feel or react this way but recently when I found out I had been sexually abused as a young child some things began to make sense. A friend’s older brother abused me. I have no memory of the event. My sister witnessed it and remembers all of it. She only told my parents once we had moved away and to our knowledge it only happened one time. She carried the full weight of this knowledge till we were both in our late twenties.
I had always felt that there was a dark part of myself and I was finally able to shed light on it. Lots of things like temperament, genetics and my own lack of discipline have played their roles when it came to my weight problems. However I no longer see this as a singular problem. If being physically unhealthy was a result of my spiritual and emotional unhealthiness then I must become holistically healthy.
At the birth of my gorgeous, talented, genius daughter; Madeleine Jean Broussard I weighed 220 pounds. This morning 13 months later I weigh 190 pounds. I write this knowing I have come a long way and also knowing I have much more to go. It has been slow, agonizing, rewarding and joyful. Madi is one more reason to focus on my overall health. I want to be able to show her by my actions what REAL health looks like. The differences between depression and humility, happiness and joy and to be able to tell her how God brought me to health.
Mathew 9:9-13
9As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's booth. "Follow me," he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.
10While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and "sinners" came and ate with him and his disciples. 11When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"
12On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.'[a] For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

God has shown me many things through this journey, like Mathew I am sinful and unhealthy in many ways. I feel unworthy or dirty but Jesus sits down at a table with me and all my friends. He says He has come to earth for ME. And every time I feel empty He reminds me has plugged every hole and filled every crevice of me with Himself.