Run run run

I'm signed up for a half marathon on February 23. It sounded like a great idea when we registered. Then it seemed scary but doable when we bought plane tickets to California. Now I just want to curl up in a ball and cry till the 24th. Soon after I began to train 20 weeks to the race, I would run 3 miles and then my feet would go numb. After another mile they would start to hurt and then after another mile the pain would be sooooo bad that I would not even be able to walk. I bought new shoes, new socks, changed my running habits, pain pain pain. I needed to be able to run more than 3 miles about 10 more than that actually. Finally after Christmas I was diagnosed with Morton's Metatarsalgia. It's an issue with the ball of both my feet. The short version is I don't have enough space between my toe bones for my nerves. When I run it builds up fibrous tissue around my nerves. That lack of space and extra tissue causes the pain. Yesterday I got orthotics put in to my new running shoes. In 20 mins I am headed out to run more than 3 miles for the first time in a month. I have to run 13 miles in a month. To say that I am scared is an understatement. I am terrified. I realized something today as I got dressed to go out. I cam only do today's workout today. I can't do tomorrow's workout or the next days. I can't do a months worth of work today. I can only run today's miles today and pray to be able to run tomorrow's miles tomorrow.

An Open Letter to My Daughter.

You are not powerless in any relationship. You ALWAYS have choices you can make that will change your life. You are never stuck anywhere. You choose to stay or go. No one makes you feel one way or another, you get to chose how your emotions respond in any situation. Do not believe the lie that you are a powerless to change your life. God, the most powerful being in existence, chose to send his Son for you. So that you could have the chance at a life without limits. God chose to love you in the most scandalous way possible. He loves you completely before you even have the chance to choose wether you will love him back. Think long and hard about loving God. It is not always easy to love God. Not everyone will agree with your choice to do it. But you do have this choice to make one day when you are ready.

The Return of a Long Lost

It's been awhile, I could apologize profusely or simply just try to do better. Last post march 2012. So much is different since then. Here's point form Moved from Canada to Louisiana USA. In the middle of the moving process we found out we would be a family of four and Mac was born January 4th of 2013. I began working as youth director in my church here in rural Louisiana. I could blog for DAYS WEEKS MONTHS on the differences between Louisiana and canada but I wanted this blog post to be about home. Having just returned from Christmas in Canada with lots of snow, family, friends the idea of home is on my mind. People in Canada asked if I was glad to be home. Many of my friends in Louisiana asked if I enjoyed going home for Christmas. the truth is home is a puzzle I have not completely solved yet. I no longer live in Canada although I will always long to be there. I live here in the US. The problem lies that since moving here I've changed and my family and friends have changed in Canada so I don't really belong there anymore. To my Canadian family and friends I'm different. I don't fit in. Here in the US I am in much the same situation. I will always be Canadian in many ways and an outsider. As welcoming and kind as most Americans are I am still not one of them. Of course as many of those who know me would attest I have almost never fit in anywhere and I usually revel in the idea that I am undefinable. A missionary once spoke to our church about how their kids were Canadian but grew up in Africa so they never quite fit in either place. She called them third culture kids. I like that idea. I get to create my own culture without boundaries. It is freeing,it feels like home.

My Life On The List

My brother recently got engaged, we are so excited!!! His fiance, Jessie, is wonderful, she is kind and quiet loves God. What more can a sister ask for her favorite brother. I warned her however about wedding planning. "It can be really stressful" I warned. I think the best way to counteract this sort of stress is to sit down and make a list of the things that need to be done. Then you can go through and make decisions and cross things off the list. I love lists, they lay out your tasks and you can plan out how you will accomplish something. The hardest part is not knowing exactly what needs to be done. If you know what to do you can just move forward in a steady way with the confidence that everything will have its time and will get done. I love that.
As a mom and wife I make lists all the time, mostly in my head but lots of times in I write them down. Make fun if you will but it helps me to organize my flighty thoughts. I make lists of tasks; laundry, change the sheets, wash the floor, bathe The Madi!!! I even make lists of things that aren't really tangible; find a way to thank Kyle for being so caring while I was ill. Make sure to make Carolyn feel special on her birthday this weekend ect...
Last year around this time I began to really focus on getting healthy, not only physically but spiritually and emotionally as well. I was having such a hard time finding moments when I could focus on growing whether that meant growing spiritually or simply getting to boot camp so I could grow in my physical health. It was costing money to see my trainer and money for gas to drive to boot camp. It was costing me time away from The Madi, the tiny dictator who wakes me up every day in her squeaky voice with her fuzzy hair. I began to wonder whether this journey was worth the cost I kept paying. Surely it is selfish of me to devote so much time/money to this?
I was praying (which in this stage of life for me means doing the dishes while thinking about God) and God brought to mind how I usually work out issues, I make lists. usually in a situation like this I would do a pros and cons list but God just told me to make a regular to do list. I did and it read what most moms lists read like. at the top were my family and ministry then things you would think of as necessary chores that enable us to live. God made me examine this list closely and revealed to me all of my priorities were centered around other people. He made me put myself at the top. What an arrogant thing to do I thought. I can't be at the top!?!
God showed me the next few weeks, as I processed what He could mean by putting myself at the top, God showed me more and more my focus on my health could be guided by Him. I could pursue holiness instead of vanity and this pursuit would be the best thing for my husband and The Madi. This pursuit would even be best for my ministry and yes even for my chores. For the last year I have fought to keep myself on the list. I battle the feelings of selfishness away. Again I am learning the fine art of self discipline for the purpose of holiness. My life on the List is not easy but I can look back now to the place I started and marvel at the distance God has taken me, in weight loss, in emotional maturity, and in spiritual growth. Even though "the road stretches ever onward" as they say I know I am not alone.

You Can't Dive Into a Shallow pool

I never thought I would blog so much about weight loss. Mostly because I don't like blogs about weight loss. Or maybe I don't like the comments sections where people argue about the most effective things and do's and don'ts. I have never thought that one way of losing weight is effective for everyone. Some do weight watchers and others do it on their own. I see a trainer/life coach who meets with me and wades through my rationalizations and excuses to the heart of my issues. She knows me really well we grew up together in fact. So she is able to say things to me that others could not.
I confess my weight loss motives have not always been good. Even though the goal of my weight loss is better physical health I confess sometimes I just want to be thinner so I look good. The problem with this feeling is how shallow it is. Because my goal has no depth I am unmotivated and lack the self discipline to really do the hard work required. I mean you can't dive into a shallow pool.
So what can motivate me? What can I do to reach physical health? The answer to this question is so much more complicated it seems. I have to tackle so much more than calories in and calories burnt. I have to deal with my emotional and spiritual health as well.
If I was being honest with you I would say becoming emotionally and spiritually healthy is a much scarier prospect to me than simply going on a diet. But I cannot have purpose in a search for vanity something that fades away so quickly. I cannot simply diet. Then where can I find purpose in this struggle? I have asked myself this question over and over and finally found the answer.
As I have begun to focus on nourishing my body spiritually, changing from being overfed physically and undernourished spiritually I have been reading and rereading my book by Lysa Teurkeust called "Made to Crave; Satisfying Your Deepest Desires With God Not Food" She comes to the conclusion that diets are not enough for lasting change. And says the following.
I am not on a diet I am on a journey with Jesus to learn the fine art of self discipline for the purpose of Holiness.
I cannot find purpose in a baby pool of vanity. If I want to truly change I have to take a journey with Jesus and learn the fine art of self discipline my purpose to dive into the deep end of Holiness.

At Long Last

I know, I know it has been much too long. I won't make excuses I just got out of the habit of sharing my journey. So here we go again I am putting an effort out to be more consistent and and a better updater for the 3.4 of you who read this, 2.4 of which are directly related to me.
I want to relate to you 3.4 how much I have learned since I last posted almost a year ago. I will most likely post many times before I can truly say I have captured the journey I have been on since then.
As faithful followers (ha ha ha) will know I have had a lifelong battle with my weight. I roller coaster up and down and up again. I am on the lookout for the ANSWER to the huge secret of how thin people do it. To tell you the truth there is nothing you can tell me about weight gain/loss I don't know. I know how it works, I know how many calories are in everything and how much I can burn in an hour at zumba. So if information is not my problem what is?
A year ago I began seeing Abby, I call her my trainer but life coach is probably more accurate. After the birth of my daughter Madeleine (the Madi) my weight had ballooned to an unimaginable 230lbs. Just looking at that number makes me cringe. I had managed to lose some of the weight but mostly I had just yo-yoed my way a little lighter. My life was great I was a mother to a gifted two year old, my husband is a saint a gift sent from heaven. I was being fulfilled in my ministry calling but I felt God nudging me to confront some of the things in me that were broken. I knew I needed help.
Abby began by teaching me to "eat clean" I could talk about this forever since it has been the answer for me in terms of nutrition, but this post is about something very different.
Abby and I came together and initially I lost weight because I loved eating clean it seemed like the ANSWER. But I forgot my issue was not with knowledge, then what was it. As weeks went by and I began to plateau I became more and more frustrated why was I determined to self destruct. I would do well and then sabotage myself. I would say no no no and then one HUGE YES. I was out of control. As Abby and I sat in my kitchen with a cup of tea and I cried she said something a normal trainer would not.
"Anita we have been focusing on nutrition and exercise for weeks, but there is more than simply those two things going on here. I think we need to set those two aside and focus on your spiritual life for a few weeks."
"what does that have to do with anything?" I asked I figured all I needed was to be more disciplined to exert more control over myself and then I would be able to conquer this thing on my own.
She challenged me that I needed to find a bible study or program that could help me to begin to tackle some of the issues I was facing. I questioned in my mind whether such a thing even existed. If the ANSWER was out there I would know about it. She left and I simply said to God " I don't know where to look for this thing I am supposed to do so You better just drop it in my lap." That was Tuesday
Wednesday Nothing
Thursday Nothing in fact I forgot completely that I was supposed to be looking for anything.
Friday my mom comes home from a speaking engagement and invites me and The Madi over for tea and toast on the deck. It is truly unseasonably warm for March and we drink our tea and bask in the sun as we chat about her trip and various other stuff. Mom wants to someday turn her books into a study with an accompanying DVD set for ladies groups. I think it is a great idea.
She says "At the event where I was there were other people also speaking and so I went to one of the presenters tables and just grabbed one of her sets of DVD, participants guide and book. The thing is I don't really have time to do the study and learn how to put one of these things together. I am already doing a devotional study and I am just entering my busy season of speaking. Would you mind just doing this study and watching the DVD and letting me know some of the tricks and how it works."
I'm a stay at home mom so I can carve out down time when I need to as long as I don't mind being interrupted 80 times so I agree to glance through the study and promising to report back I shove it in my purse.
Saturday Nothing
Sunday recall I am supposed to be looking for something spiritual to do. I get a little annoyed at God since he was supposed to drop it in my lap. Still Nothing.
Monday panic!!! Abby comes tomorrow I have found nothing. Mom texts to see how the study I'm supposed to be doing is going...oops fish study out of bottom of HUGE purse I carry that doubles as diaper bag and all purpose travel bag.
I grab a cup of tea put the Madi down for a nap and put in the DVD, for the first time I glance at the title of the book in my hands MADE TO CRAVE; Satisfying Your Deepest Desire With GOD, Not FOOD by Lysa Terkeurst.
I call mom tell her the whole story of Abby and the challenge of my prayer and His answer in my purse. She says "Neen (my longtime nickname) The thing is when I went to her table to buy a set I didn't even look that was literally the only one she had left."

Mea Culpa Plus a Rant

Lately it seems as if lots of my friends have been posting on their status something like this "Jesus died on the cross for me...and I am not ashamed of it...so I am going to leave this on my status for an hour...not many of you will...lets see who else does" Now I am not the kind of person who likes to be critical of how other people would like to live out their faith. Nor do I think that putting this as a status update is bad. In fact I am glad you're "not ashamed" I mean the only things that bother me is the assumption that I am "ashamed"If I don't follow suit and post the very same message for at least an hour.I don't think this is necessarily the litmus test that I am or am not living a Christian Life. I don't think there is a person on my friends list who does not know that I believe in God. That the intervention of Jesus in my life has changed everything. The other thing is I am annoyed by the fact that everything I don't copy and paste the dumb thing I feel GUILTY about it. When many of my status updates talk about God and much of my life is ministry I pass over those posts and feel bad about myself as a Christian. When I really think about it I get over it real quick as it is just a knee jerk reaction but it annoys me whenever I find I am susceptible. I love real posts from people who are experiencing the realness of God. I love it when people talk about their church and the things going on for them. I am just tired of feeling guilty...anyone else?
To rid myself of false feelings of guilt here are 10 things I do for/with God that I am excited about
1. Madi (2 and a half year old tiny dictator) won't go to bed which has been great for my prayer life
2. I love to serve my church in our band I have never been more challenged musically and worshipally (not a word) than I have been at the Pathway
3. By default I am half of the Youth and Young Adult ministry team...never thought I would be doing this again but it is so gratifying to see the hunger of our young people for God
4. I serve on our leadership team (mostly I am comic relief)
5. I love to talk about God with Kyle and now Madi, Jazz and Eli talk with me about God too
6. I got to take a trip to worsley where I was supposed to lead a couple break out groups and teach some people stuff but what truly happened is the worsley women reminded me what life is all about.
7. I think I am a good mom a thoroughly spiritual occupation and a realization of many of my dreams
8. God is teaching me how to forgive (I have certainly not arrived but He is leading me one small yes at a time)
9. Recently I noticed I have a great relationship with my mom. Something I have longed for all my life but my immaturity and stubbornness kept from me for much too long, God IS working in me (slowly)
10. No matter how long it takes me I do eventually return to my true home with Jesus. He is inside me I can never walk away from Him (because you can't walk away from your insides) He reminds me He is so near and eventually I listen.