Is MY self really worth it?

I have been thinking about this blog post for a long time. Trying to figure out a way to share my thoughts and feelings on this subject without sounding trite. I have been on a journey toward a healthier me. A “me” who not only is physically healthy but emotionally and spiritually healthy as well.
I have been thin, fat, well rounded, skinny and curvaceous throughout my life. My bathroom scale is my best friend and worst enemy. I have sometimes weighed myself more than three times a day; each time determined what mood I would be in. The number dictating my attitude, I have often wondered why I struggled when others didn’t. I think about food every minute of every day. I think about how I look and what I weigh even more than that. In writing this post I want to be honest about my journey to a “healthy me” however, I am afraid of what you will think of me.
I spent my young life trying to find someone who would love me at any size. But the truth was I did not love myself. I knew that skinny did not equal happy. When I was thinnest I was so depressed I needed medication. I knew my outward appearance could not fulfill me I just didn’t know where else to look.
I have always been obsessive in my pursuits. If I make muffins, I make 300 muffins in a weekend. If I take up tennis I play every day for a month. This kind of frenzy cannot be kept up. If I find a new diet I am dedicated to it for a short time till I lose steam and fall back into my old routine.
I must admit I have felt empty a lot. It is difficult to be honest about this because I am a very guarded person. Few people know me well, and those who do know that “inside” me is very different from “outside” me.
I know it is not one thing that has caused me to feel or react this way but recently when I found out I had been sexually abused as a young child some things began to make sense. A friend’s older brother abused me. I have no memory of the event. My sister witnessed it and remembers all of it. She only told my parents once we had moved away and to our knowledge it only happened one time. She carried the full weight of this knowledge till we were both in our late twenties.
I had always felt that there was a dark part of myself and I was finally able to shed light on it. Lots of things like temperament, genetics and my own lack of discipline have played their roles when it came to my weight problems. However I no longer see this as a singular problem. If being physically unhealthy was a result of my spiritual and emotional unhealthiness then I must become holistically healthy.
At the birth of my gorgeous, talented, genius daughter; Madeleine Jean Broussard I weighed 220 pounds. This morning 13 months later I weigh 190 pounds. I write this knowing I have come a long way and also knowing I have much more to go. It has been slow, agonizing, rewarding and joyful. Madi is one more reason to focus on my overall health. I want to be able to show her by my actions what REAL health looks like. The differences between depression and humility, happiness and joy and to be able to tell her how God brought me to health.
Mathew 9:9-13
9As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's booth. "Follow me," he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.
10While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and "sinners" came and ate with him and his disciples. 11When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"
12On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.'[a] For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

God has shown me many things through this journey, like Mathew I am sinful and unhealthy in many ways. I feel unworthy or dirty but Jesus sits down at a table with me and all my friends. He says He has come to earth for ME. And every time I feel empty He reminds me has plugged every hole and filled every crevice of me with Himself.

Family and Pizza

I was at the mall the other day with Steen (29, sister, real name Christine) and Jazz(3). Steen and I were talking about going out with the kids. I was telling her about when I take out all three kids (Madi(1) Jazz(3) Eli(2)) people tend to stare at me as if they feel very sorry for me. Jazz interrupted in a loud voice.
Jazz “You took out all three kids?”
Me “Ya Jazz sometimes I do”
Jazz “You took out Madi, JP and Mac”
Me (laughing) “Jazzy, Neen only has one kid, Madi.”
Jazz “JP and Mac not your kids Neen?”
I had to explain to her about JP (21, brother, abides in the basement) and Mac (19, not related, eats here, sleeps at home, works for JP)
It made me think about what makes a family. Tonight as JP, Kyle and I made Pizza in the kitchen; I pondered what makes a family. Sometimes you are born into one; some you marry into, sometimes you are lucky enough to be adopted. A good family is like a good pizza. You need lots of different ingredients. Lots of colors. Something cheesy to glue it all together, throw it all in the oven on a pan. When the temperature is turned up what comes out is delicious.
Families are a living thing, they grow and change. Even though there is no classification that encompasses Husband, Wife, Baby, Wife’s Sister, Niece, Nephew, Wife’s Brother, Wife’s Brother’s Employee and Wife’s Best Friend as immediate family, this is how we see each other. My extended family is even crazier, I have the typical aunt uncle, and grand parents but I also have 2nd Dad Laurie who fixes my car and flies in my best friend, and Christina Obrien whom I see as my ½ Pilipino sister. I have Olivia, brothers ex girlfriend, Madi’s favorite babysitter whom I used to babysit.
Madi has my family (as nuts as it is) she also has a Nana, Paw, Noni, Popi, Aunt and Great Aunt. Adding to these though are Madi’s Pilipino families The Abustan’s and Ludovica’s. So she has 4 Pilipino brothers a Pilipino sister and two extra Mom’s and Dad’s.
What an amazing full life we lead. God has given us such an amazing family. We love you all.

GOOD Morning

When I was younger and living at home my dad was always happy in the morning. He was the only one! When I wake up I feel like I am going to die, cheerfulness is not on the radar. Most of the time we put up with Dad’s cheerful mood. Mornings would go like this.
Dad “Morning Neen”
Me “Grunt, Sneer”
Dad “How you doin Neen?”
Me “glare, sip tea, take a bite of toast”
Dad “Tell me something Neen”
Me “WHAT DAD?”
Dad “just something about anything”
Me “I loathe you”
He learned not to speak to me until after 10am. While he was the only one we could all grunt and sneer and ignore him. Then one day Dad brought Uncle Bob to stay with us. Uncle Bob was not related to us. He worked with Dad and they happened to be born on the same day.
Something about that irreparably damaged both of them. The next morning I came up for breakfast ready to grunt and glare my way through another morning. I entered the kitchen and was greeted by singing
Bob “Here she comes MISS AMERICA”
Followed by a rousing rendition of “You are my sunshine”
For the few weeks uncle Bob was in town they could grin at each other and sip their coffee as the rest of us squinted and moaned.

Who put the three year old in charge?

I have lots of kids movies, I say they are for Jazz (3) and Eli (2) but really they are for JP(brother, 21, basement dweller). When Jazz and Eli are over for the day they are only allowed to watch one movie. They watch in 20 min allotments throughout the day because I use the movie as a tranquilizer. I let them watch during breakfast or if I need to dress them or brush their hair. It helps me to get them to do what I want them to do.
The day starts with Jazz saying “Neen can we watch a movie?” I say “for a little while you can, during breakfast, what movie do you want to watch?” she invariably will reply “Ariel” Now I know Eli hates “Ariel” its too girly and fluffy and singy. He likes movies with action, they have to have animals or cars or dinosaurs. So I usually say “Eli thinks Ariel is stupid.”
Recently Christine (29, Sister, Jazz and Elis mom, heretofore referred to as Steen) has instituted lots of words the kids are not allowed to say. I can never keep track of which words I am not allowed to say , granted I have repeatedly requested a complete list of the words in the NO SAY ZONE and have yet to see one.
This phenomenon has given rise to what I lovingly refer to as the Jasmine Police.

Jasmine Police “Neen we don’t say STUPID, STUPID IS A BAD WORD”

Me “Jasmine, Neen is an adult and so she gets to decide what words are good and what words are bad, she gets to decide what she can say because Neen is an adult.”

Jasmine Police (laughing) “You’re not an adult!!! You’re just a NEEN…And STUPID is a bad word for YOU Neen.”

Me (trying a new tactic) “Well your mom gets to decide what words are good and what words are bad. Gramie is Neens mom and she…” Forget it Gramie will totally side with the Jasmine Police.

Jasmine Police “Gramie told me LAST NIGHT that STUPID is a bad word for YOU Neen”

Me “Your NOT the Boss OF ME!!!”

Jasmine Police “Ya Neen I am the boss of you”

Me “Whatever, what movie do you want to watch?”

Jasmine Police “Ariel”

Put on Your Helmet and Pad's Anita is Coming Over

Being my sister or friend is a full contact sport. You never know what I might do or say. I tend to be well... obnoxious, this is one of the qualities that try as I might to curb it, I have been so far unsuccessful. Sadly my mouth is bigger than my brain. As a result I don’t have any normal friends. Now don’t misunderstand me my friends aren’t strange what I mean is they are superhuman.
The best example has to be my sister. Since she has known me the longest she has the most practical experience. She also can’t choose not to be my friend because we are related. Which means I will always have ONE friend. No matter what, she has to love me! So she has a way of just letting things go. I mean realistically she has to! otherwise she would die of all the built up frustration.
She actually thinks I’m funny; it’s an acquired taste. Truthfully she thinks everything is funny but I am glad to be included in that category.
However, what is most amazing about Christine (sister, 29, heretofore referred to as Steen) is her amazing ability to forgive. I would venture to call her personality Forgivingly, if that was a word. Truly with me as her sister forgiveness is a survival mechanism. Someday when I shut up long enough to listen to her talk I will ask her how she does it.
“to err is human, to forgive, divine” Alexander Pope

STUFF SOUP

Today was a workday for me. The day truly began for me when Eli (2) threw up his breakfast on me. Walk, Park, Bath, Backyard play, Dance Off, Nap, Snack, Living room football. By the time the kids went home at four I was exhausted and clueless as to what to make for dinner. Kyle (24, husband) has been working long hours and is more stressed than he usually is. Almost nothing relieves stress for Kyle more than coming home to a good meal.
But I DID NOT have a good meal in me. As I stared into my empty fridge I wished for the dinner elves to sweep me off to the spa as they prepared a gourmet 4 course meal.
4:15 No elves…still staring
4:30 panic sets in…no elves
4:45 took a bath…no one made super while I washed my hair.
5:00 INSPIRATION
and here is yet another
LAZY REAL PEOPLE RECIPE
Stuff Soup
Get out a soup pot fill it with some water.
Look in your fridge and freezer for leftovers
Here is the rule:
If it has Meat or Veggies, or Rice or Noodles put it in the pot of water.
Add an onion and garlic chopped if you want
Add some frozen corn, peas, broccoli, whatever you want
Add a couple bouillon cubes (beef, chicken, vegetable doesn’t matter)
Let it come to a boil.
Serve it with crackers or not
Enjoy!!!

PLAN SCHPLAN

Lately I have been really questioning my abilities as a mother. Mostly because it seems like everyone one else has a plan. I keep meeting mom’s who have a 10 year plan to help/make/propel their kid into the life of their dreams. Incidentally I do not have any kind of plan. No plan for getting her to read by age two, no plan for helping her to love herself, no plan to turn her into the next AMERICAN IDOL. I am plan-less in Cochrane AB. I have no flash cards, and if I did I don’t have a plan for what they should say (other than GO TEAM).
Tonight a friend of JP's (Brother,21, still lives in basement) came over, When he walked in to the house we were all cleaning. He said "Hi, what can I do to help?" I stared at him. What I wanted to say was "Who raised you? And can I spend large amounts of time asking them questions."
The truth is I feel this way allot. Like I have already irreparably damaged Madi in some way. I think too many of my friends and family are super mom's and that is really my problem. I need some real life mom's in my life
My friends cultivate their children’s individuality, teach them to knit, teach them to cook. I count a day successful if no one pukes on me and everyone is fed and mostly clean. My friends kids play instruments Madi shakes what her momma gave her.
Let’s be honest here, I am NOT looking for a plan, I don’t want a plan, what I want is not to feel bad because I have none. And truly I think our days are full of fun and frolicking. I hate flash cards, how much more must a one year old hate them. Should I really be measuring success by who can read at one or can I just be happy that today Madi didn’t eat dirt!?!

SHAKEITITIS

Madi and I have both caught a terrible debilitating disease. It is called the shakeititis. To look at us you would think we were a normal mother and daughter but 11am in our kitchen is when things go badly awry. Ever since JP (brother, 22, lives in basement) bought me speakers for my iPod my kitchen has become the scene of many Shakeititis attacks.
It begins innocently enough, I am cleaning up after breakfast and I turn on my iPod. Madi wanders in from the living room and then it hits us. She begins to bend her knees and mover her hips side to side. My feet start taping and my fingers start snapping and then a full-blown attack is on us. We gyrate and twirl we tango and waltz. We dance on the floor on the counter of the walls. We are helpless to resist the attack. Madi waves her arms and I have to pick her up spin around the island.
We have favorites of course. Mine is the soundtrack to the two sister act movies and Madi’s is the Glee soundtrack. Many a friend and family member has called in the middle of an attack and asked “what are you doing?” I answer “nothing” because we have been hiding our disease from the world but now finally we are ready to be honest with everyone.
The attacks end with us lying on the floor panting and begging for mercy. We try to slow it down and cheek to cheek we dance our way to the iPod and shut it off.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCEMENT
IF YOU SUFFER FROM SHAKEITITIS DO NOT DESPAIR THEREIS HELP FOR YOU. VISIT WWW.SHAKEITITIS.COM FOR INFORMATION

The Last Man

In bed at nine thirty tonight I realized… I am old…not necessarily numerically I mean let’s be honest 28 is the new 18 but in attitude I am old. I try to make sure we are all in bed by ten. I wake up at night to pee. No one is allowed to make any noise in our house from 2pm till 4ish. I watch documentaries and nature shows and I cry. I LIKE the easy listening station. I am old and I believe already set in my ways. I am an old married person.
When I kissed my husband today I realized, this man is the last man I will ever kiss for the rest of my life. The thought had never really occurred to me before and I was surprised at how it made me feel. Sitcoms and Movies would have us believe that this feeling is negative. To only kiss one person for the rest of your life is a death sentence or at least boring, this is what they would have us believe. And granted every kiss is not the first…it’s better. Life with a faithful husband in a loving marriage is better every day. Hard…Yes, Great…Yes, Work…Yes, Fun…YES!!! It is so easy for us to buy into the idea that comfort and familiarity are not exciting, maybe its not like the first time, the honeymoon, the first date, it’s better, the better he knows me the better husband he becomes and the better I know him the better our marriage gets. It is so easy to believe what we see and hear so often when the opposite is the truth. The Bible says in Mathew 19:5 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh.”

JAZZ UP YOUR LIFE

Lately Jazz has been dressing herself. She will soon be four and is fiercely independent. She puts multi-colored bows in her hair and she wears colors together that Stacey and Clinton would never allow. Her favorite color used to be blue but the “NEW” Jasmine’s favorite is purple. Daily she decides which Jasmine she is. The old Jasmine, the new Jasmine, Your Jasmine or just Jazz.
The other day I asked if I could be the NEW Anita she laughed and said “No! Your just a Neen.” (‘Neen’ is a nick name coined by my sister, I call her Steen, It is something her kids have picked up, they don’t know my real name even though it is Jasmine’s middle name.)
When she comes over wearing a purple sweater, a red shirt, a green skirt, blue leggings, pink socks and boots. I wonder where all my inborn creativity has gone. She is a work of art, she should be in a magazine called Baby DIVA.
I think that spirit within us as children gets squashed by our “what not to wear” conventions. Who decides what is in and out, who gets to say what is beautiful. That creativity can be so easily discouraged.
As I have become a mother and Nanny to my three little munchkins it has been amazing to see things through their eyes. The wonder Eli experiences at the zoo when he sees his favorite animal the “Potamus.”
The Joy jasmine had when she first saw a mini couper car she screamed “MOM look at the tiny car, ooooh it’s so cute ooooooh MOM I want one.” And in the tradition of my uncle Richard and all the empty promises he made to buy me a pony when I was her age (still waiting on that one) I said “Neen will buy you a mini couper Jazzy”
Everyday Madi discovers something new and exciting. Today I played Beyonce’s Single Ladies and she discovered her hips.
I want to rediscover that wonder in me. What makes me exclaim “MOM LOOK!!!” What new discoveries will I make today?
Mathew 11:25 At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.

Fast and Furious

It seems as if lately I do everything at top speed, I wake up fast, feed the baby, dress the baby, play with the baby, do the dishes, tidy up, do the laundry, feed the baby lunch, put the baby down for nap, spend time with Kyle at lunch, shower get ready, fold the laundry, clean the bathroom, get the baby up, talk to Mac and JP, make supper, eat supper, clean up supper, bath baby, tidy up, play with baby, sing a song to baby, bed time for baby, spend a few minutes with Kyle, BED!!!! And that is when I have a day off.
Why do we insist on taking life at such a hectic place, When was the last time you called someone and they told you Oh I’m glad you called I was just relaxing.” Maybe we should do it more. iPods a week turn off the phone, unplug the TV computers and iPods and just relax with our families. Do a puzzle, bake a cake, read a book together, the dishes will be there tomorrow, the laundry will wait but my baby is only a baby once.
JP made 15 packages of Itchiban yesterday so that when he came home for lunch he could warm up itchiban faster. How much faster can itchiban get to make.

Exodus 20:8-11 --8"Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. 9 Six days you shall labor and do all your work, 10 but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. 11 For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

Top Ten Guilty Pleasures of 2009

Here is my list of ten things that helped to make 2009 the great year it was!!!
10. Reality TV shows like Cake Boss, Dog the Bounty Hunter ect…
9. Bottle Feeding my Baby…never having to get up at 3:00am Thank you Kyle
8. Solitaire on my iPod
7. McDonalds Play Land (Jazz, Eli, Madi play I do Sudoku)
6. Mary Kay Makeup
5. My Mac book computer
4. Starbucks Venti Soy No Water No foam Tazo Chai
3. Louisiana Mixes…helped Kyle with his homesickness
2. IKEA Chaise Lounge, favorite spot in the house
1. Diet Coke (also guilty pleasure of 2000-2008)
Comment your list if you want!!!

Feeling Blue? There is a LAZY REAL PEOPLE RECIPE for you!!!

Although the colors of Christmas are green and red the colour of January is often BLUE. If you have the post holiday blues there is help for you. First though we must all be diagnosed. Here are some symptoms
You might be blue if…
• You have cried about a TV commercial
• Your pants don’t fit (also a sign of too much Turkeyitis so be sure)
• You can’t take down you Christmas Decorations
• You can’t turn off your Christmas music
• You keep saying Happy New Year (it was 5 days ago…let it go already)
• You keep calling your sister (Yes you Steener)
• You won’t call your sister back (Yes I mean you JP)
• And many more
Never fear even though the blues are here.
I have the solution for you!!!!
January is officially BLUE MONTH.
And to celebrate Blue Month I have concocted the official Blue Cake Of Blue Month.
When my brother in law tasted Blue Cake he said “Can we eat here everyday?”
So simple to make, Eli (2) and I whipped it up in about 2 minutes. You will never find gourmet recipes here, only LAZY REAL PEOPLE RECIPE’S
Here is the recipe for BLUE CAKE
Buy a cake…
Pretend it’s blue
Just Kidding
BLUE CAKE
Buy a package of blueberry muffin mix…mix up the batter…all of it or some of it just guess.
Pour into cake pan…put blueberries cinnamon and sugar on top
Put into oven 350-400 degrees (just guess) for about30-45 minutes (guess)
Out comes BLUE CAKE
TAdaaa!!!!Enjoy Blue month…Walk around saying Happy Blue Month till the cheer is spread throughout the land

Head of the HOUSE.

Our definition of family is very loose, Kyle (24) is my husband, Madi-Jean (1) is our baby, JP (21) is my brother and lives in our basement, Mac (19) is JPs roofing employee, he technically lives with his own family but eats most meals and sometimes sleeps at my house. It is not uncommon for me to come home and find both boys asleep on my living room floor. I am a Nanny to my Nephew and Niece, Eli (2) and Jazz (4). Our house is busy, loud and truly the most enjoyable kind of family there is.
This week my household discussed who was the head of our house. The funny thing is we all secretly thought it was us. I thoughts me because I make the most daily decisions, I pay the bills, I keep the house ect… My Husband thinks he is because he makes the money to pay the bills…, which is legit. JP thinks he is because he generally gets to do whatever he wants all the time. Madi thinks she is because everyone caters to her every whim, which has earned her the nickname THE GENERAL. Mac silently thought he was because…well he didn’t say it out loud but we all knew he was thinking it.
We all wanted to be in charge, we all wanted to be first. It made me think of the kingdom of God. The Bible says In Mathew 20:16 16"So the last will be first, and the first will be last."
After the DISCUSSION JP piped up and said “I’m probably not the head, I’m Probably the Butt of the family.”
So I guess he is the head.

QUIT CRYING OVER SPILT DIET COKE

My name is AnitaB and I am a Diet Coke addict...I hit rock bottom today when...well let me give you some background.
My diet coke addiction began in adolescence, when my love for food brought me to the realization that I need to replace my cookie/chip addiction with a guilt free kind of pleasure. I, as so many others, turned to a different kind of drug...DIET COKE... Diet coke and I have had a long friendship, it's a give-give relationship...I buy it and drink it...it keeps coming back for more. SO you see it loves ME too!
My rock bottom was today when JP my roofer brother brought me a diet coke from McDonald's (an avid DC drinker himself, The McD's DC is the Gold standard of DC's so he was bringing me a real gift)
I took the gift and went to my room...the baby was asleep...the laundry done...the dishes washed, the house clean...only me my DC from the golden arches and LOST on DVD. I was adjusting my pillows so settle in for a mid afternoon treat when I knocked over my DC...onto my new carpet...in my rental house
In the blink of an eye my shiny happy life crumbled...I began to cry REAL tears.
Whether I love diet coke or not was my afternoon truly ruined...was my life in shambles. I thought back to Yesterday and our pastors sermon. He said take the challenges of life one day at a time, and if thats too much one hour or one minute at a time.
Philippians 3:12-14
12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

So I mopped up my coveted DC and made a cup of tea

Fiblabee

OK so the name doesn't make sense...
And the blog is currently about nothing...
So lets address the elephant in the room...
Why waste your precious time reading this???
Good question when I figure out the answer I will let you know...

Who am I? I doubt I will have to answer this question since most likely only my Mom and a crazy aunt or two will read this. But on the off chance you pause here on your search for the website you were really looking for. I am AnitaB Mother, Nanny, Worship Director and Student. I am stumbling through life in a Jesus direction, hoping to fill my space in the kingdom of God. Hopefully we can all stumble around together.